We officially started moving out of the edit studio as of yesterday - and I couldn't help but get giddy at the thought of what's happening - we're packing to head off and film a movie! I can't wait to get to Oklahoma and start building the set and start getting to physically be "in" the world I'll be living and acting in.
Now, this may sound strange - but besides physically - I've already started making small changes in my personality and my lifestyle to start feeling more like the character in the movie I'll be playing:Tank - and it's so freeing! See, all my life I've been the type of person who cared a lot what people think of me. I'd never leave the house with my hair a mess or without my makeup on. I always had to be presentable - and I guess it was my way of feeling accepted. Even going to the gym - which didn't happen often back then - I would make sure my clothes were just right - my hair - tight in a ponytail with hairspray so I didn't have any wispy hair sticking out. I felt that if I didn't look good - people would judge me. Make fun of me - or - I don't know. Anyway - point being - it was this inner fear of just being myself and being ok with that which I lived with.
Needless to say - when I learned a bit about the character I would be playing - I knew I couldn't have ANY of that fear lingering in my personality. Tank is confident and strong. That's what I needed to be. That's not to say that Tank doesn't come with her own set of issues - but that's for me to internalize and handle the way she would.
So - I started making changes. I remember the first day I did it - I was going to the gym - I woke up at 4 a.m. (and let's be honest here - who looks good at 4am? NOT ME!) and instead of taking 30 minutes to make sure my pants weren't wrinkled - my shirt looked good with my pants and my hair wasn't a mess - I just threw on some pants and a baggy I love NY shirt - tossed my hair in a messy bun and walked out the door. All the way to the gym I was anxious about it - thinking I looked horrible. Once I got there - I realized something - no one was looking at me funny. No one was laughing. No one was pointing - instead - they all just went on working out and being focused on themselves. All of that stress and worry for nothing! It was such a freeing moment for me - and I haven't looked back since.
Suddenly I had found this new - confidence - in myself and the people around me. Now - when I'm getting ready - if I don't have time - or even if I just don't feel like putting make up on - I just go. And you know what - people are just as nice - just as accepting as before. I even made some new friends at the gym! :)
There is a point here... this just goes to show that there is so much more involved in acting than just memorizing the lines and pretending to be someone else. For me - if I didn't feel it - that would come across on screen and I would seem fake - or that I was just "pretending" to be confident - and I didn't want that. I know some people say actors are crazy - and I'm not saying you need to go out and kill someone to play a killer, or take drugs to play a drug addict - but you do have to find a way to relate to that state of mind of the character - and make that part of you internally as an actor - feel the character. I feel a good role can teach you something - not only about your craft - but also in your personal life, therefor making it possible to give a genuine performance. I still have a long road ahead of me - and a lot of preparation to do - but hey - one step at a time. And this was a big step for me.
On a personal note - I think this could help people in their every day lives - even if you aren't an actor - just doing something that you are afraid of - or anxious about - can change your whole outlook on it. Suddenly you'll be wondering to yourself why you were so afraid in the first place.
That's all for now - thanks for reading! :)